"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my phone needs a breathalizer
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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