this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
