mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
