kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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