I didn't shave. On purpose
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
