Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
