i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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