How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
