Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
