i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
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