tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
