what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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