hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
