thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
