She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
