i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
