Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
