Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
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