Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
