ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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