Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You need a sexual gate keeper
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
