So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
