Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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