That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
