Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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