i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
