i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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