we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
