don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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