just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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