this just has baby written all over it
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
