i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
