I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
