did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
