Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
