This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
