first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
it hurts more in the daytime
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
