just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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