I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
