Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
