Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We are all done wearing pants today
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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