and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
