the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
