i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
