Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
