How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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