so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
