Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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