Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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