I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
