You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
